Holiday Thoughts

Hi Everyone!

I know its been a minute since i have done a post. (my apologies). I can honestly say, that Thanksgiving dinner was the turning point for me. As the kids and I sat around the table, Johnathan (my  yr old) got the little 2 boys to hold hands and to get the rest of us to hold hands. As we started to say what we were thankful for, it really made me think... 
I have soo much to be thankful for... I really do. BUT, I've also shed more tears than I thought I would this year with everything that i've lost. 

As i reflect back on this year this is what i have lost:

May 8th, 2015 John and I were in our motorcycle accident.May 23rd, 2015 I lost my Daughter Alexandria to suicide.March 12th, 2016 John lost his life to the injuries he sustained in the accident. September 19th, 2016 I lost my (Step) Mom due to cancer.But yet, i get up every day, put a smile on my face, and face the world like a Boss. A friend of mine posted to my facebook wall...

..." you look like you are getting younger....but last year was a year that would have aged Miley Cyrus to where she would look like Betty White....you look like you not only survived it but thrived in spite of it. Whatever you are doing, keep doing it......"


This made me giggle, but when i re-read it, its the TRUTH. BUT, I still help folks when i can (i was able to donate $5 to my favorite Charity - Shriners Childrens Hospital). I still work my business and help women (and men) get gifts for their loved ones for the Holidays. I still smile under all of this pain. I cry behind closed doors (muffle the sounds so the kids don't here me.) I do what i can to make my kids happy.... even though i hurt & am in so much pain... the you can't see it, you will never see it. (unless you read my blog). 

I don't want pity, i don't want to make anyone feel sorry for me... I want everyone to know that this is the SILENT KILLER that took my Daughter. Its a struggle that I will deal with for the rest of my life. I WILL win, because I'm all that my kids have. 

I may not have a huge house.
I may not make a lot of money.
I may not be famous.
I may not be influential.
I may not be "normal".
I may not be "your cup of tea".
I may not have a brand new car.
I may not have friends that hang out with me.
I may not have people i can rely on for support.
I may not have everything, BUT i'm everything to MY KIDS.

They are the reason i fight, they are the reason I get up every morning and face the day. I work my business like a dog, cause this is the ONLY way to get ahead. This is how i make my money to support them. 

The funny thing is, i've lost more "friends" during this time than i ever thought could be possible. I've had people tell me "your stupid for doing Younique, its NOT a real job". or "you wasted money on makeup". Or my favorite one yet..."no one can support their family on makeup sales".

Well, this is my thoughts for today... my heart hurts & is broken... 

Some bad news...

Ya know the 'ole saying "it comes in 3's"? Well, let me tell you a little something... I BELIEVE in this saying 100%. Want to know WHY i believe in this saying... I'll tell ya...

First my oldest Daughter Alexandria passes away.

Second, my Fiance John passes away.

Now, my Dad calls me and tells me that my MOM (step Mom but she isn't a step anything to me), who was diagnosed with Liver Cancer is not doing well, and if she lives til December it will be a miracle. 

What the hell... I mean can my Family take any more heartache? Why do i have to be soo damn strong? Why are the ones i love dying? Why are all the good ones needed... right now?

My Dad was going to sit with my Mom and tell her the prognosis this weekend. But, my Mom (as bold and brassy as she is) asked the Doctor the right questions and he (by law) had to answer them. So, my Dad was with my Mom when she was told by the Doctor. 

See, my Mom & Dad use to work together (that is how they met). They have been through all kinds of rough and painful things. They have been married (Friday the 13 was their wedding date) for 23 years! Mom took me in as one of her's when my Biological (whom had custody of me), chose to give me away to the State of Maryland when i was 15 years old. I guess my biological wanted her Man instead of me (she did get to keep my younger 2 siblings). My Moms name is Margie! She is the most funny, witty, intelligent woman i know. She taught me what it was to be a good Mother. She taught me that being a parent at any age (as long as you give it your all and sacrifice everything) you can be your children's HERO!

Mom, you are my HERO! 

My children and I will be coming out to Maryland when my Mom requests us, but not until then. I know donations are being taken for her medical bills & to keep paying my Mom & Dads bills so he can be with her til the very end. If you would like to donate please contact me and I'll give you the info, or you can paypal me at hollypavlyik@gmail.com. Everyone please keep my Mom in your thoughts and prayers.

MOM I LOVE YOU SOO MUCH!!! 

                                 Your Other Daughter,

                                                       Holly

It's been a long time...

Hi everybody, Holly here. I wanted to take a moment to say hi to everyone and to let you know that I will be resuming my blog post. They may not be on a daily basis but I will do my best to make them at least on a weekly basis.

Let's see where to start.

The house hunting thing was a bust. I have a few more things that I need to do with my credit before I can purchase a home. But I am optimistic that by the time next November rolls around I will be a homeowner.

I have started writing a book about my journey throughout this horrible year I've had. I am also including people that I have helped and or that I have inspired. So if I have inspired you please take a moment and either PM me on Facebook or text message me or leave your name in the comments of this blog post so that I may ask you a few questions in regards to how I have inspired you or how I have helped you.

My children. All of my children are dealing with the loss of their sister Alexandria and the loss of their would be stepfather John in their own way. They have been in counseling, they have throwing temper tantrums, they have Sawtooth Rd, and gotten into trouble with me about not listening and cleaning up after themselves. But as the children have grown this last year they have realized that life is short and there's no need to be rude and nasty all the time at each other. They have been getting better but they still struggle and I understand that. I understand their struggle because not only did I not grieve when I needed to grieve but I shut down. And when I shut down I didn't take care of myself. I didn't allow those close to me in and I put up walls around me. I shut my heart off from the world. I shut my heart off for my family and my friends and my children. I knew I couldn't break down I knew I had to be strong I knew that I had to keep working because I was the only provider that was taking care of my family. But I can honestly say that when push came to shove I took a four-month leave from my job. And in those 4 months I was able to do my business. As many of you know I am a younique presenter. And I was able to be a mom without all the hassles of the long hours and the long drive to and from work and the missing out of all the events and fun things that the kids got to do at school and in the process of getting ready for school. I've got to take care of things around my home. I got to spend time with my children and I got to be a stay-at-home mom. For those that have never been a stay-at-home mom I can tell you that is a glorious feeling it is a Feeling of other accomplishments. Now I'm not saying that those moms that aren't able to stay home with their children are failures that will never come out of my mouth because that's just untrue. Mothers that work like I do full-time jobs and have a job on the side work hard to give their children everything that they need. Like a roof over their heads food and their stomach clothes on their backs and all the supplies that they need for school to be successful throughout the year. What some people don't realize as us moms that work whether you are a stay-at-home mom or you're a nine-to-five mom or your at end of to Mom or if you're a 14 hour a day Mom we work for our children we work for our family. And I am not leaving out single dads single dads do the same thing they have to hustle just as hard as we do. my children. All of my children are dealing with a loss of their sister Alexandria and the loss of their would be stepfather John in there own way. They have been in counseling, they have thrown temper tantrums, they have thought Authority, and gotten into trouble with me about not listening and cleaning up after themselves. But as the children have grown this last year they have realized that life is short and there's no need to be rude and nasty all the time at each other. They have been getting better but they still struggle and I understand that. I understand there struggle because not only did I not grieve when I needed to grieve but I shut down. And when I shut down I didn't take care of myself. I didn't allow those close to me in and I put up walls around me. I shut my heart off from the world. I shut my heart off from my family and my friends and my children. I knew I couldn't break down I knew I had to be strong I knew that I had to keep working because I was the only provider that was taken care of my family. But I can honestly say that one push came the shove I took a 4 month leave from my job. And in those 4 months I was able to do my business. (As many of you know I am a unique presenter.) And I was able to be a mom without all the hassles of the long hours and the long drive to and from work and the missing out of all the events and fun things that the kids got to do in the process of getting ready for school. I got to take care of things around my home. I got to spend time with my children and I got to be a stay at home mom.

For those that I've never been a stay at home mom I can tell you that is a glorious feeling it is a feeling of accomplishment. Now I'm not saying that those moms that aren't able to stay home with their children are failures that will never come out of my mouth because that's just untrue. Mothers that work like I do full time jobs and have a job on the side, work hard to give their children everything that they need. Like a roof over their heads food in there stomach clothes on their backs and all the supplies that they need for school to be successful throughout the year. What some people don't realize is us moms that work (weather you are a state home mom or your i-95 mom or your attend to mom or if you're a 14 hour a day mom) we work for our children we work to give our children the very best that we possibly can with what we have.

In closing all I have to say is keep your head up. Stay strong. Believe in yourself. Believe in the strength that you have inside of you.

Just thoughts...

Many people sit and think...
Many people sit and wonder...
Many people wish and hope and pray...
And then, some people... just DO.

And that is what I'm DOing. I'm going on with my life. I'm living.
DO i struggle... YES.
DO i miss my late Fiance'... YES.
DO i miss my Daughter... YES.

But that doesn't mean i have to stop living. I'm still grieving for them BOTH. I'm still hurting for them BOTH. Are people hating on me and sending me nasty messages, emails, and pms on fb... YES. But, that isn't stopping me from moving on.

Its very difficult for me to move on to allow myself to be loved by another Man. Its harder than i've ever imagined. BUT, the Man i've chosen, has stood by my side & stood by my children's side as they have lashed out, yelled, acted out and is going through their own version of grief. My BoyFriend understands this and yet still holds my hand and listens to what i have to say when i talk about my Late Fiance'. He holds me when I cry for him. He doesn't look at me any different, but looks at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. For that I'm blessed.

Memories that had been made are still there. New memories are being created to add to this wonderful Book of mine, called My Life! I've written my book, and in hard times allowed others to write my book for me, but that is and never will happen again. I'm my own editor. Choices have been made, things have been sacrificed but in the end, i'll have my family whole again soon.

I'm also writing a book on my Daughters Travel Home. (from Maryland to Indiana). A very loving friend has offered to bring her all the way home. Picking her up from my Dad and taking her with her and her family on their road trip! Taking pictures and telling a story of her Journey Home. That is the title of the book. I'm so excited to have been blessed with Friends that love and care about me. When she contacted me and told me she would do it, i burst in to tears reading the message.

I know i've lost so much this past year, and I know with the Anniversary of Alexandria's death, just weeks away, I still hope that I've helped others in their journey for peace with the Loss of a Loved one... especially a Child.

Its not easy, don't let anyone tell you that. But if you have a WHOLE Heart, and a STRONG Will... You (yes, you reading this) YOU can conquer anything in this world! I hope i've given you the strength that you need to say to yourself "I CAN DO THIS".


I love you all so much, and my family has been blessed by soo many of you being in it.


Thank you. I will continue to write this blog, i will continue to share my story. Its a journey, you have ALL taken with me.

Attitude & Mindset

Hi everyone & thank you for your continued support!

Today, I'd like to talk about Attitude & Mindset. I know many wonder how i do what i do... well, to be honest, its a choice. Choice? Yup, i know you just asked yourself that. YES, its the FIRST choice i make EVERY morning of EVERY day. 

When my alarm rings (and i don't want to move out of bed), i roll over and turn off my alarm, wake up some and before i throw the covers off of me, i tell myself "I GOT THIS". Then, i sit up and put my feet on the ground (unfortunately, i'm so short, my feet dangle off the bed)! 

Before i even get up off my bed, i tell myself i have a CHOICE to have a good day. Therefore, the CHOICE IS YOURS. Send out good vibes and you will get it back in return. But you have to keep making that CHOICE to have a good day, or a calm morning or whatever. Its NOT EASY. Trust me, i know. You have to work at this every second, every minute of every hour of every day... you get the picture. 

Also, a lot of folks let the hate, and anger eat at them (during times like i've experienced). And you CAN'T let it CONSUME you. Use it... thats right, make the CHOICE to use that to fuel the 'fire' that burns (and trust me i know it hurts). When you make that choice to not lash out at the world. Because that is what happens. You get angry, hateful, spiteful, and the pain washes over you like a flood. And if you are NOT aware, and control it, it will eat you alive. I know, because its almost done it to me. 

Ya see, i fight every day with PTSD. I have to make sure i keep my attitude in check because if i don't make the CHOICE someone else will make it for me. The littlest things set it off. (for those of you who know what PTSD is, its not a fun thing to experience & it doesn't go away). For me, i can 'feel' when something is about to happen. So i take myself out of the situation and i tell myself 'not here, not now, not here, not now'. I repeat to myself and tell myself that its ok, and that no one is going to hurt me or yell at me and that i'm safe. Right now, i don't feel safe. And i know one day i will feel safe. And trust me i'm looking forward to that day. 

With the proper MINDSET from the moment you wake up in the morning it makes it slightly more bearable each day. Again, i'll reiterate, its not something that you can just "do". You have to work at it every day. Your mindset had to be that of the "I CAN DO IT & I WILL DO IT " attitude. 

I really hope that if anyone feels this way, that you talk to someone, let someone know how you feel. Tell someone you can confide it, that you trust, that loves you for you and won't judge you. Tell them, and let them help. Let them hold your hand as you talk and they listen. Let them hold you while you cry. Let them in to where you are comfortable with them. 

I have lost soo much in the last 12 months that its hard for me to be held, to hold hands, to talk, to cry. I want to help others who feel this way, to help them deal with the pain, to make it hurt not as bad. Its been told to me that the first year without your loved one is the most torturous year. Well, that year for Alexandria, my Oldest Daughter is soon upon me as well as the accident. Then the year without John starts, and that will be a very difficult year in its own.

I will move on, I will love again, I will let someone hold me, I will let someone love me... I will give my heart to only one more. As scared as i am to ever love like John and I loved each other, I will NOT squander the gift he gave me... TIME. 

House Hunting

I know many of you know that I have a house, but due to the situation and the area I'm living in, i can no longer live in this area. No, I'm not being chased out of my home. But I don't feel as if its "HOME"... if that makes any sense. I love my house and all the memories that it holds, but because of those memories, i can't stay in my home. 
I'm looking to move closer to work NOT in Jeffersonville, but around the area. Somewhere that has a good neighborhood for the kids and good schools. My High Schooler wants to be home schooled next year, so I'm wanting to at least live in an area that if she doesn't like being home schooled that they would accept her.
If anyone knows of anything in the Floyd County area please let me know. I'm looking for the following:

Mandatory:

3 to 4 bedrooms

2 Bathrooms

Garden Area

Extra:

Garage (or at least a big shed/barn looking thingy)

Basement

Fenced yard (or big yard)

Driveway (gravel is ok, but would like concrete or black top)

In the country (or cul-de-sac)

I really don't want to live so close to someone i could "pee" on my neighbor! You can take the Country Gal out of the Country to live in the Big Ole City, but the Country is still Home!


Thank you everyone for all of your support and love, hugs and prayers. This wasn't an easy decision to make, but its whats best for my Children.

If anyone around me would like to help the kids and I move (once i find a place) I'd be more than grateful, and appreciative for the help.

I'm sorry...

I am so sorry that i couldn't finish my story yesterday. I typed all of that through tears as the visions of the accident and my Dads phone call flooded back. 

Ya see, I see our accident everyday. I see it when i blink, or close my eyes to rest a moment. Its burned into me. Am i hurt from the accident YES, but in many ways that you can't see. Yes, i have PTSD and it takes the smallest thing to send me into a panic attack that hurts. I can't breath, I can't talk, I'm unable to move, and I'm scared when it happens. I've scared people at work because they don't understand what is happening. YES i was injured in our accident. I have issues with the burn on my arm from sliding and forcing myself to stop so i could get to John, and I have issues with my shoulder, back and neck along with my left arm (where the burn is). My skin is hypersensitive (the Dr said it won't get any better) in that area. But some folks believe that is was just John that was hurt/injured. And yes, my injuries can't come close to what he endured:

• Fractured vertebrae in the neck
• 7 broken ribs (left side)
• punctured lung (left side)
• Broken clavicle (4 spots)
• Broken shoulder (6 spots)
• Shattered Shoulder Blade (left side)
• Swelling on the brain (had to remove the front right flap to relieve pressure) 

So i don't compare (like others do) to the trauma that has been gone through. But, John is gone, and only in the physical sense. I know he's in my heart. I have a ton of memories, and photos, and a handful of videos to remind me. I've had to take all of the pictures down, and I've removed the Collar John gave me. The pain is there, and will be for a long time. I know they say the 1st year is the hardest. I can imagine because I'm coming up on the 1 year mark for the loss of my Daughter Alexandria.

This picture here is my Daughter Alexandria! 

She was the 1st thing i ever did right in my life! She was smart, (smart ass some times), funny, cute, adorable, and always bringing home critters of every shape and size! Her Dad kept her from me for years. Alexandria and I built a relationship through Myspace, Facebook, IG, and through emails and texts. She was soo beautiful! I loved every bit about her. And its funny, cause when her and her Dad would fight, she would tell me that he would yell at her saying "You're just like your Mother!" She would get such a kick out of that because she would yell back at him "I know"! (Makes me proud). 

But, the day before she took her life, she called me (i was at the hospital with John). She was calling to talk to John and to find out if we where OK. She had me put the phone up to Johns ear and she spoke. I didn't put it on speaker phone cause it was a conversation between her and John. I wonder if she told him what she was going to do, but I never asked. 

Right before we got off the phone, she told me "Madre', i love you". That is what she called me (Madre' means Mother in Spanish). I told her how proud i was of her, and how much i loved her. I also told her that i would call her the next day to see when she was planning on coming out for the summer. 

But... I never got to make that phone call... Instead i got the phone call from my Dad. I know it broke his heart to tell his eldest Daughter that HER Daughter passed away. I know my Dad will carry that burden with him for the rest of his days. I know it broke his heart to break mine. 

Daddy if you are reading this, please know i love you very much & i respect the courage it took for you to call me and tell me Alexandria was gone. 

The above picture is the last picture of all 6 of my children together. 

I hurt, but not just for myself. I hurt for my other children, Alexandria's siblings. I know my children loved their sister and miss her a great deal. My Daughter Alexandria lives on through them. I see her defiance in Michael, her stubbornness in Maleah, her love of animals through Johnathan, her kindness through Jeremy, and her smile and tenderness through Joshua. They all have her in them. So that is what makes this pain worth baring. Because she is always with me, she is always around... I see her every day with my children. They are the reminder that she was a gift, that I was chosen... SHE chose me to be her Mommy. She chose me to bring her into this world. Alexandria showed me what real love was. Unconditional, unselfish, and pure hearted love and kindness. 

I've not been able to get her Urn from my Ex (he said he doesn't want to Mail it), and I understand that, so i may be asking everyone that reads this from Indiana to Maryland, if you would mind helping me bring my Daughter home. I know I've seen it other places (and i can't find the info now i need it), but to have people travel with Her (Alexandria's Urn) from Maryland to Indiana. 

But if you would agree to help me, I want you to take a picture with Her Urn on your Journey from Maryland to Indiana. That way i can write a book of her last travels Home. 

I need to stop now... I'm sorry. 

Thank you for taking time out of your day...

Hello everyone!

Thank you for taking the time out of your already busy day to read my Blog!

Some of you know me and some of you don't. For those that do know me, Hi! For those that don't know who i am, my name is Holly Pavlyik and I'm a Mother of 6 fantastic kiddos!

• Alexandria
• Michael
• Maleah
• Johnathan
• Jeremy
• Joshua

 I'm also, an Angel Mother. (more about that later). I work full time (not from home like i want), but I am the only one that takes care of my babies!

I was also a Fiance to one of the Greatest Men this world has ever seen. His name was John Yetka. We had been together 5 wonderful years. And this is where the story begins.

May 8th, 2015 started out like any other day for us. John got up for work (since he had been switched to first shift), and gave me a kiss and went out the door to work! At this time, i only worked part time (saturdays & sundays)! So during the week it was awesome, got up with John and fix breakfast for everyone before he went to work and I took the kids to school! 

John and i always talked on the phone... ALWAYS... gotta love bluetooth capability! He called me at 4pm (that's when he got off work) and asked me "are you ready to ride", and me with a big ole grin on my face on the other end of the phone (who was ready for hours already) told him "i'll see you in the yard when ya get home"!! 

We met our good friends Lisa & Harvey and headed out to the Brick. Lisa & Harvey have never been to the Brick. John & I got excited because we where out with friends and the Harleys!! We looked around at all the changes that had been made in Seymour, and looked at all the people that had been out and enjoying such a beautiful day like us! We had everything we wanted and nothing that we didn't. It was a dream come true for both of us. Life was just how we wanted it... but that all changed. 

This day, will forever be etched in my brain/memory/heart/soul for as long as i breath. At 3:34pm the most horrific thing happened...

The accident happened...

John told me to hold on, so i grabbed the bike seat and tried to hold on. He got into the grass and when the back of the bike got low enough to the ground, he pushed me off and yelled "roll". He stayed with the bike. He tried to get it under control. As i was rolling i was getting so mad cause i couldn't stop. So i dug in my arms into the ground...   all i could think was "i have to get to him, i have to get to him NOW". As i crawled towards him, the bike came to an abrupt halt, then John 'flew' into the air and landed lifeless in front of me. You could see the blood, you could see he was hurt badly. I leaned over and begged him not to leave me, and breathed into his mouth and he woke, he came back to me, he didn't leave me. John looked at me and said "i love you i love you", and then the pain took over and he was gone. Thats the last time he spoke to me, the last time i held him, that last time he heard me tell him i loved him. 

Fast forward to May 23rd, 2015.

This was a great day! I went to spend time with John after i got off work and then headed out to pick up dinner and go out with friends. As i picked up my dinner, my Dad calls me and asks for my ex husbands phone number (which i didn't have), and told my Dad i didn't have it, and i really didn't want it. He told me that i might be changing my tune in a bit. So i got off the phone with my Dad (he told me he'd call me back), and went to my friends to have dinner. As i was sitting at the picnic table, i asked my friend for a tupperware bowl to mix my chinese food in. Then, i get another phone call from my Dad. He asks me "Holly are you alone, or are you with someone", i told him i was with friends, and he says "good i have something to tell you", and then he goes on to say the worst thing a Mother (Parent really) will ever have to hear... "Alleys gone." I actually got mad, and told him "what do you mean she's gone, she's probably out with friends. She always does when her and her dad get into a fight", my Dad yells at me "Damn it Holly Alexandria is dead."

Those words echo in my head daily. So that was that. My Daughter, My Little Girl Alexandria who i carried for 9 months was gone and never to come back. I don't know how i got there, but my friends had to pick me up off the floor. My phone was halfway across the kitchen and i was crumpled in a heap yelling "Daddy NO, Daddy NO, I don't believe you, this is a cruel joke".  But it wasn't a joke, it wasn't a game, it was reality.

That May, i lost 2 of the most precious people in my life. 

I can't go on with this post... I'm sorry.