Today, I'd like to talk about Attitude & Mindset. I know many wonder how i do what i do... well, to be honest, its a choice. Choice? Yup, i know you just asked yourself that. YES, its the FIRST choice i make EVERY morning of EVERY day.
When my alarm rings (and i don't want to move out of bed), i roll over and turn off my alarm, wake up some and before i throw the covers off of me, i tell myself "I GOT THIS". Then, i sit up and put my feet on the ground (unfortunately, i'm so short, my feet dangle off the bed)!
Before i even get up off my bed, i tell myself i have a CHOICE to have a good day. Therefore, the CHOICE IS YOURS. Send out good vibes and you will get it back in return. But you have to keep making that CHOICE to have a good day, or a calm morning or whatever. Its NOT EASY. Trust me, i know. You have to work at this every second, every minute of every hour of every day... you get the picture.
Also, a lot of folks let the hate, and anger eat at them (during times like i've experienced). And you CAN'T let it CONSUME you. Use it... thats right, make the CHOICE to use that to fuel the 'fire' that burns (and trust me i know it hurts). When you make that choice to not lash out at the world. Because that is what happens. You get angry, hateful, spiteful, and the pain washes over you like a flood. And if you are NOT aware, and control it, it will eat you alive. I know, because its almost done it to me.
Ya see, i fight every day with PTSD. I have to make sure i keep my attitude in check because if i don't make the CHOICE someone else will make it for me. The littlest things set it off. (for those of you who know what PTSD is, its not a fun thing to experience & it doesn't go away). For me, i can 'feel' when something is about to happen. So i take myself out of the situation and i tell myself 'not here, not now, not here, not now'. I repeat to myself and tell myself that its ok, and that no one is going to hurt me or yell at me and that i'm safe. Right now, i don't feel safe. And i know one day i will feel safe. And trust me i'm looking forward to that day.
With the proper MINDSET from the moment you wake up in the morning it makes it slightly more bearable each day. Again, i'll reiterate, its not something that you can just "do". You have to work at it every day. Your mindset had to be that of the "I CAN DO IT & I WILL DO IT " attitude.
I really hope that if anyone feels this way, that you talk to someone, let someone know how you feel. Tell someone you can confide it, that you trust, that loves you for you and won't judge you. Tell them, and let them help. Let them hold your hand as you talk and they listen. Let them hold you while you cry. Let them in to where you are comfortable with them.
I have lost soo much in the last 12 months that its hard for me to be held, to hold hands, to talk, to cry. I want to help others who feel this way, to help them deal with the pain, to make it hurt not as bad. Its been told to me that the first year without your loved one is the most torturous year. Well, that year for Alexandria, my Oldest Daughter is soon upon me as well as the accident. Then the year without John starts, and that will be a very difficult year in its own.
I will move on, I will love again, I will let someone hold me, I will let someone love me... I will give my heart to only one more. As scared as i am to ever love like John and I loved each other, I will NOT squander the gift he gave me... TIME.
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