Ya see, I see our accident everyday. I see it when i blink, or close my eyes to rest a moment. Its burned into me. Am i hurt from the accident YES, but in many ways that you can't see. Yes, i have PTSD and it takes the smallest thing to send me into a panic attack that hurts. I can't breath, I can't talk, I'm unable to move, and I'm scared when it happens. I've scared people at work because they don't understand what is happening. YES i was injured in our accident. I have issues with the burn on my arm from sliding and forcing myself to stop so i could get to John, and I have issues with my shoulder, back and neck along with my left arm (where the burn is). My skin is hypersensitive (the Dr said it won't get any better) in that area. But some folks believe that is was just John that was hurt/injured. And yes, my injuries can't come close to what he endured:
- Fractured vertebrae in the neck
- 7 broken ribs (left side)
- punctured lung (left side)
- Broken clavicle (4 spots)
- Broken shoulder (6 spots)
- Shattered Shoulder Blade (left side)
- Swelling on the brain (had to remove the front right flap to relieve pressure)
So i don't compare (like others do) to the trauma that has been gone through. But, John is gone, and only in the physical sense. I know he's in my heart. I have a ton of memories, and photos, and a handful of videos to remind me. I've had to take all of the pictures down, and I've removed the Collar John gave me. The pain is there, and will be for a long time. I know they say the 1st year is the hardest. I can imagine because I'm coming up on the 1 year mark for the loss of my Daughter Alexandria.
This picture here is my Daughter Alexandria!
She was the 1st thing i ever did right in my life! She was smart, (smart ass some times), funny, cute, adorable, and always bringing home critters of every shape and size! Her Dad kept her from me for years. Alexandria and I built a relationship through Myspace, Facebook, IG, and through emails and texts. She was soo beautiful! I loved every bit about her. And its funny, cause when her and her Dad would fight, she would tell me that he would yell at her saying "You're just like your Mother!" She would get such a kick out of that because she would yell back at him "I know"! (Makes me proud).
But, the day before she took her life, she called me (i was at the hospital with John). She was calling to talk to John and to find out if we where OK. She had me put the phone up to Johns ear and she spoke. I didn't put it on speaker phone cause it was a conversation between her and John. I wonder if she told him what she was going to do, but I never asked.
Right before we got off the phone, she told me "Madre', i love you". That is what she called me (Madre' means Mother in Spanish). I told her how proud i was of her, and how much i loved her. I also told her that i would call her the next day to see when she was planning on coming out for the summer.
But... I never got to make that phone call... Instead i got the phone call from my Dad. I know it broke his heart to tell his eldest Daughter that HER Daughter passed away. I know my Dad will carry that burden with him for the rest of his days. I know it broke his heart to break mine.
Daddy if you are reading this, please know i love you very much & i respect the courage it took for you to call me and tell me Alexandria was gone.
The above picture is the last picture of all 6 of my children together.
I hurt, but not just for myself. I hurt for my other children, Alexandria's siblings. I know my children loved their sister and miss her a great deal. My Daughter Alexandria lives on through them. I see her defiance in Michael, her stubbornness in Maleah, her love of animals through Johnathan, her kindness through Jeremy, and her smile and tenderness through Joshua. They all have her in them. So that is what makes this pain worth baring. Because she is always with me, she is always around... I see her every day with my children. They are the reminder that she was a gift, that I was chosen... SHE chose me to be her Mommy. She chose me to bring her into this world. Alexandria showed me what real love was. Unconditional, unselfish, and pure hearted love and kindness.
I've not been able to get her Urn from my Ex (he said he doesn't want to Mail it), and I understand that, so i may be asking everyone that reads this from Indiana to Maryland, if you would mind helping me bring my Daughter home. I know I've seen it other places (and i can't find the info now i need it), but to have people travel with Her (Alexandria's Urn) from Maryland to Indiana.
But if you would agree to help me, I want you to take a picture with Her Urn on your Journey from Maryland to Indiana. That way i can write a book of her last travels Home.
I need to stop now... I'm sorry.
No comments:
Post a Comment