Just thoughts...

Many people sit and think...
Many people sit and wonder...
Many people wish and hope and pray...
And then, some people... just DO.

And that is what I'm DOing. I'm going on with my life. I'm living.
DO i struggle... YES.
DO i miss my late Fiance'... YES.
DO i miss my Daughter... YES.

But that doesn't mean i have to stop living. I'm still grieving for them BOTH. I'm still hurting for them BOTH. Are people hating on me and sending me nasty messages, emails, and pms on fb... YES. But, that isn't stopping me from moving on.

Its very difficult for me to move on to allow myself to be loved by another Man. Its harder than i've ever imagined. BUT, the Man i've chosen, has stood by my side & stood by my children's side as they have lashed out, yelled, acted out and is going through their own version of grief. My BoyFriend understands this and yet still holds my hand and listens to what i have to say when i talk about my Late Fiance'. He holds me when I cry for him. He doesn't look at me any different, but looks at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. For that I'm blessed.

Memories that had been made are still there. New memories are being created to add to this wonderful Book of mine, called My Life! I've written my book, and in hard times allowed others to write my book for me, but that is and never will happen again. I'm my own editor. Choices have been made, things have been sacrificed but in the end, i'll have my family whole again soon.

I'm also writing a book on my Daughters Travel Home. (from Maryland to Indiana). A very loving friend has offered to bring her all the way home. Picking her up from my Dad and taking her with her and her family on their road trip! Taking pictures and telling a story of her Journey Home. That is the title of the book. I'm so excited to have been blessed with Friends that love and care about me. When she contacted me and told me she would do it, i burst in to tears reading the message.

I know i've lost so much this past year, and I know with the Anniversary of Alexandria's death, just weeks away, I still hope that I've helped others in their journey for peace with the Loss of a Loved one... especially a Child.

Its not easy, don't let anyone tell you that. But if you have a WHOLE Heart, and a STRONG Will... You (yes, you reading this) YOU can conquer anything in this world! I hope i've given you the strength that you need to say to yourself "I CAN DO THIS".


I love you all so much, and my family has been blessed by soo many of you being in it.


Thank you. I will continue to write this blog, i will continue to share my story. Its a journey, you have ALL taken with me.

Attitude & Mindset

Hi everyone & thank you for your continued support!

Today, I'd like to talk about Attitude & Mindset. I know many wonder how i do what i do... well, to be honest, its a choice. Choice? Yup, i know you just asked yourself that. YES, its the FIRST choice i make EVERY morning of EVERY day. 

When my alarm rings (and i don't want to move out of bed), i roll over and turn off my alarm, wake up some and before i throw the covers off of me, i tell myself "I GOT THIS". Then, i sit up and put my feet on the ground (unfortunately, i'm so short, my feet dangle off the bed)! 

Before i even get up off my bed, i tell myself i have a CHOICE to have a good day. Therefore, the CHOICE IS YOURS. Send out good vibes and you will get it back in return. But you have to keep making that CHOICE to have a good day, or a calm morning or whatever. Its NOT EASY. Trust me, i know. You have to work at this every second, every minute of every hour of every day... you get the picture. 

Also, a lot of folks let the hate, and anger eat at them (during times like i've experienced). And you CAN'T let it CONSUME you. Use it... thats right, make the CHOICE to use that to fuel the 'fire' that burns (and trust me i know it hurts). When you make that choice to not lash out at the world. Because that is what happens. You get angry, hateful, spiteful, and the pain washes over you like a flood. And if you are NOT aware, and control it, it will eat you alive. I know, because its almost done it to me. 

Ya see, i fight every day with PTSD. I have to make sure i keep my attitude in check because if i don't make the CHOICE someone else will make it for me. The littlest things set it off. (for those of you who know what PTSD is, its not a fun thing to experience & it doesn't go away). For me, i can 'feel' when something is about to happen. So i take myself out of the situation and i tell myself 'not here, not now, not here, not now'. I repeat to myself and tell myself that its ok, and that no one is going to hurt me or yell at me and that i'm safe. Right now, i don't feel safe. And i know one day i will feel safe. And trust me i'm looking forward to that day. 

With the proper MINDSET from the moment you wake up in the morning it makes it slightly more bearable each day. Again, i'll reiterate, its not something that you can just "do". You have to work at it every day. Your mindset had to be that of the "I CAN DO IT & I WILL DO IT " attitude. 

I really hope that if anyone feels this way, that you talk to someone, let someone know how you feel. Tell someone you can confide it, that you trust, that loves you for you and won't judge you. Tell them, and let them help. Let them hold your hand as you talk and they listen. Let them hold you while you cry. Let them in to where you are comfortable with them. 

I have lost soo much in the last 12 months that its hard for me to be held, to hold hands, to talk, to cry. I want to help others who feel this way, to help them deal with the pain, to make it hurt not as bad. Its been told to me that the first year without your loved one is the most torturous year. Well, that year for Alexandria, my Oldest Daughter is soon upon me as well as the accident. Then the year without John starts, and that will be a very difficult year in its own.

I will move on, I will love again, I will let someone hold me, I will let someone love me... I will give my heart to only one more. As scared as i am to ever love like John and I loved each other, I will NOT squander the gift he gave me... TIME. 

House Hunting

I know many of you know that I have a house, but due to the situation and the area I'm living in, i can no longer live in this area. No, I'm not being chased out of my home. But I don't feel as if its "HOME"... if that makes any sense. I love my house and all the memories that it holds, but because of those memories, i can't stay in my home. 
I'm looking to move closer to work NOT in Jeffersonville, but around the area. Somewhere that has a good neighborhood for the kids and good schools. My High Schooler wants to be home schooled next year, so I'm wanting to at least live in an area that if she doesn't like being home schooled that they would accept her.
If anyone knows of anything in the Floyd County area please let me know. I'm looking for the following:

Mandatory:

3 to 4 bedrooms

2 Bathrooms

Garden Area

Extra:

Garage (or at least a big shed/barn looking thingy)

Basement

Fenced yard (or big yard)

Driveway (gravel is ok, but would like concrete or black top)

In the country (or cul-de-sac)

I really don't want to live so close to someone i could "pee" on my neighbor! You can take the Country Gal out of the Country to live in the Big Ole City, but the Country is still Home!


Thank you everyone for all of your support and love, hugs and prayers. This wasn't an easy decision to make, but its whats best for my Children.

If anyone around me would like to help the kids and I move (once i find a place) I'd be more than grateful, and appreciative for the help.

I'm sorry...

I am so sorry that i couldn't finish my story yesterday. I typed all of that through tears as the visions of the accident and my Dads phone call flooded back. 

Ya see, I see our accident everyday. I see it when i blink, or close my eyes to rest a moment. Its burned into me. Am i hurt from the accident YES, but in many ways that you can't see. Yes, i have PTSD and it takes the smallest thing to send me into a panic attack that hurts. I can't breath, I can't talk, I'm unable to move, and I'm scared when it happens. I've scared people at work because they don't understand what is happening. YES i was injured in our accident. I have issues with the burn on my arm from sliding and forcing myself to stop so i could get to John, and I have issues with my shoulder, back and neck along with my left arm (where the burn is). My skin is hypersensitive (the Dr said it won't get any better) in that area. But some folks believe that is was just John that was hurt/injured. And yes, my injuries can't come close to what he endured:

• Fractured vertebrae in the neck
• 7 broken ribs (left side)
• punctured lung (left side)
• Broken clavicle (4 spots)
• Broken shoulder (6 spots)
• Shattered Shoulder Blade (left side)
• Swelling on the brain (had to remove the front right flap to relieve pressure) 

So i don't compare (like others do) to the trauma that has been gone through. But, John is gone, and only in the physical sense. I know he's in my heart. I have a ton of memories, and photos, and a handful of videos to remind me. I've had to take all of the pictures down, and I've removed the Collar John gave me. The pain is there, and will be for a long time. I know they say the 1st year is the hardest. I can imagine because I'm coming up on the 1 year mark for the loss of my Daughter Alexandria.

This picture here is my Daughter Alexandria! 

She was the 1st thing i ever did right in my life! She was smart, (smart ass some times), funny, cute, adorable, and always bringing home critters of every shape and size! Her Dad kept her from me for years. Alexandria and I built a relationship through Myspace, Facebook, IG, and through emails and texts. She was soo beautiful! I loved every bit about her. And its funny, cause when her and her Dad would fight, she would tell me that he would yell at her saying "You're just like your Mother!" She would get such a kick out of that because she would yell back at him "I know"! (Makes me proud). 

But, the day before she took her life, she called me (i was at the hospital with John). She was calling to talk to John and to find out if we where OK. She had me put the phone up to Johns ear and she spoke. I didn't put it on speaker phone cause it was a conversation between her and John. I wonder if she told him what she was going to do, but I never asked. 

Right before we got off the phone, she told me "Madre', i love you". That is what she called me (Madre' means Mother in Spanish). I told her how proud i was of her, and how much i loved her. I also told her that i would call her the next day to see when she was planning on coming out for the summer. 

But... I never got to make that phone call... Instead i got the phone call from my Dad. I know it broke his heart to tell his eldest Daughter that HER Daughter passed away. I know my Dad will carry that burden with him for the rest of his days. I know it broke his heart to break mine. 

Daddy if you are reading this, please know i love you very much & i respect the courage it took for you to call me and tell me Alexandria was gone. 

The above picture is the last picture of all 6 of my children together. 

I hurt, but not just for myself. I hurt for my other children, Alexandria's siblings. I know my children loved their sister and miss her a great deal. My Daughter Alexandria lives on through them. I see her defiance in Michael, her stubbornness in Maleah, her love of animals through Johnathan, her kindness through Jeremy, and her smile and tenderness through Joshua. They all have her in them. So that is what makes this pain worth baring. Because she is always with me, she is always around... I see her every day with my children. They are the reminder that she was a gift, that I was chosen... SHE chose me to be her Mommy. She chose me to bring her into this world. Alexandria showed me what real love was. Unconditional, unselfish, and pure hearted love and kindness. 

I've not been able to get her Urn from my Ex (he said he doesn't want to Mail it), and I understand that, so i may be asking everyone that reads this from Indiana to Maryland, if you would mind helping me bring my Daughter home. I know I've seen it other places (and i can't find the info now i need it), but to have people travel with Her (Alexandria's Urn) from Maryland to Indiana. 

But if you would agree to help me, I want you to take a picture with Her Urn on your Journey from Maryland to Indiana. That way i can write a book of her last travels Home. 

I need to stop now... I'm sorry. 

Thank you for taking time out of your day...

Hello everyone!

Thank you for taking the time out of your already busy day to read my Blog!

Some of you know me and some of you don't. For those that do know me, Hi! For those that don't know who i am, my name is Holly Pavlyik and I'm a Mother of 6 fantastic kiddos!

• Alexandria
• Michael
• Maleah
• Johnathan
• Jeremy
• Joshua

 I'm also, an Angel Mother. (more about that later). I work full time (not from home like i want), but I am the only one that takes care of my babies!

I was also a Fiance to one of the Greatest Men this world has ever seen. His name was John Yetka. We had been together 5 wonderful years. And this is where the story begins.

May 8th, 2015 started out like any other day for us. John got up for work (since he had been switched to first shift), and gave me a kiss and went out the door to work! At this time, i only worked part time (saturdays & sundays)! So during the week it was awesome, got up with John and fix breakfast for everyone before he went to work and I took the kids to school! 

John and i always talked on the phone... ALWAYS... gotta love bluetooth capability! He called me at 4pm (that's when he got off work) and asked me "are you ready to ride", and me with a big ole grin on my face on the other end of the phone (who was ready for hours already) told him "i'll see you in the yard when ya get home"!! 

We met our good friends Lisa & Harvey and headed out to the Brick. Lisa & Harvey have never been to the Brick. John & I got excited because we where out with friends and the Harleys!! We looked around at all the changes that had been made in Seymour, and looked at all the people that had been out and enjoying such a beautiful day like us! We had everything we wanted and nothing that we didn't. It was a dream come true for both of us. Life was just how we wanted it... but that all changed. 

This day, will forever be etched in my brain/memory/heart/soul for as long as i breath. At 3:34pm the most horrific thing happened...

The accident happened...

John told me to hold on, so i grabbed the bike seat and tried to hold on. He got into the grass and when the back of the bike got low enough to the ground, he pushed me off and yelled "roll". He stayed with the bike. He tried to get it under control. As i was rolling i was getting so mad cause i couldn't stop. So i dug in my arms into the ground...   all i could think was "i have to get to him, i have to get to him NOW". As i crawled towards him, the bike came to an abrupt halt, then John 'flew' into the air and landed lifeless in front of me. You could see the blood, you could see he was hurt badly. I leaned over and begged him not to leave me, and breathed into his mouth and he woke, he came back to me, he didn't leave me. John looked at me and said "i love you i love you", and then the pain took over and he was gone. Thats the last time he spoke to me, the last time i held him, that last time he heard me tell him i loved him. 

Fast forward to May 23rd, 2015.

This was a great day! I went to spend time with John after i got off work and then headed out to pick up dinner and go out with friends. As i picked up my dinner, my Dad calls me and asks for my ex husbands phone number (which i didn't have), and told my Dad i didn't have it, and i really didn't want it. He told me that i might be changing my tune in a bit. So i got off the phone with my Dad (he told me he'd call me back), and went to my friends to have dinner. As i was sitting at the picnic table, i asked my friend for a tupperware bowl to mix my chinese food in. Then, i get another phone call from my Dad. He asks me "Holly are you alone, or are you with someone", i told him i was with friends, and he says "good i have something to tell you", and then he goes on to say the worst thing a Mother (Parent really) will ever have to hear... "Alleys gone." I actually got mad, and told him "what do you mean she's gone, she's probably out with friends. She always does when her and her dad get into a fight", my Dad yells at me "Damn it Holly Alexandria is dead."

Those words echo in my head daily. So that was that. My Daughter, My Little Girl Alexandria who i carried for 9 months was gone and never to come back. I don't know how i got there, but my friends had to pick me up off the floor. My phone was halfway across the kitchen and i was crumpled in a heap yelling "Daddy NO, Daddy NO, I don't believe you, this is a cruel joke".  But it wasn't a joke, it wasn't a game, it was reality.

That May, i lost 2 of the most precious people in my life. 

I can't go on with this post... I'm sorry.